The NFL world was turned upside down today as news broke of a conspiracy among the NFL "Super fans" that could shake the league to its core. The denizens of the Dog pound have been corraled by the catcher, the barrel dude from Denver is headed to the Pokey, The boys from the black hole have been taken down by the vice squad. Fireman Ed has been called into the Chiefs office and the Pope of Packerland may be doing the Lambeau leap into a cell near you.
Stressed out and stretched to the limit financially, these most vocal and visible of fans allegedly formed a loose syndicate engaging in illegal activities to try and afford the new scourge of the fan... PSL's. In addition this special breed of NFL fans faced ever more pressure to go out and buy all the new throwback and alternate jerseys needed to stay on top of the fan hill.
According to police sources the Broncos barrel dude who, due to his flashing of cleavage, had fended off sexual advances for years, succumbed to the temptation and had begun charging gay fans 10 bucks a piece for ten minutes under his barrel.
The Oakland black hole gang pictured below was charged with
pimping out this Falcons Super fan-ette
Meanwhile the Maven of the Meadowlands, Fireman Ed was indicted for violating the NFL's strict ban against gambling or its promotion at any NFL events for taking substantial bribes from BETS.com for "accidentally" switching the J for a B for at least one of his famous J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets chants per game.
In the picture above, Ed is not doing his famous chant or the one for the online betting outfit. This picture was snapped seconds after he was informed that it would cost him 20,000 bucks for a PSL to keep his seat when the new stadium opens next year. When asked how it felt to get this dire news he replied "like having a Brett Favre bullet fired into my anus from point blank range" His expression in the photo above would seem to validate that assesment. (get it?... "ass"esment..eh? eh? Who loves ya baby?)
Meanwhile this Titan/Elvis fan, a fixture at Tenessee games, was implicated for selling tranquilizers to the entire syndicate to help ease their anxiety and had begun peddling to dozens of other "average Joe" fans also suffering from the same condtion. The DEA has declined to pursue the case, a spokesman for the agency being quoted as saying "You just don't mess with the Kings mojo... and besides, if the prices for these PSL's stand, we're going to have to sell out our evidence locker to afford Redskin tickes"
The Hogs below seem to agree.
According to the particulars of the indictment the Pope of Packerland has been under investigation by the IRS for deducting the full cost of his PSL's, season tickets, and beer at the game claiming that he considers football his religion and the beer to be just like the wine a catholic priest would drink at church. This case has drawn the attention of thousands of like minded fans and if he should prevail the IRS expects an explosion of copy-cat cases.
Rounding out the laundry list of charges is a charge of... well... laundering. Money laundering that is. Stung by the inability to come up with the necessary cash by conventional means this odd couple of a Viking fan and a Ram fan colluded to launder Columbian drug cartel money through a series of shell companies and sporting goods firms in an attempt to aquire jerseys and merchandising at wholesale cost while using the profits from the money laundering to pay for their PSL's.
Stunning in it's scope this epidemic of desperate criminal behaviour by previously law abiding wackos screams out for a blue ribbon panel to come up with some "root causes". No, wait a minute, I think this is one case that doesn't call for a panel of experts. This is just an abusive money grab that will hopefully blow up in the owners faces since even wackos (like myself) who love the NFL will say "enough" when the league and owners start bitch slapping us around in a manner that makes Ike and Tina look like Ned and Maude Flanders.
We love our Football and Football Fashion around here and are willing to shell out a little more than the average bear for threads... Focus on accessories and all that, but the PSL's, ticket prices and overly restrictive beer and tailgate policies are clearly out of hand. The cockles of my heart have been warmed recently by the Yankees having to slash prices on their ridiculously overpriced new stadium since fans were staying away in droves. Lets all hope the same thing hits the marketing douchebags, beancounters, and the owners that employ them right in the prolate spheroids.
Ken |
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