The Grim reaper paid an unexpected and ill-timed visit to the Jets mini-camp workouts yesterday when the head coach of the NY Jets, Rex Ryan, accidentally ate first round draft choice Mark Sanchez. According to sources close to the team the highly touted USC quarterback had just come in from the mornings workout and sat down in the cafeteria at Ryans table.

Ryan, unaware of the approaching rookie, had been feeding in what was described as an "enthusiastic manner". Sources were quoted as describing the coaches eating style as something between the feeding frenzy of a shark and an industrial grade woodchipper. Sanchez, being new to the team, was not familiar with the danger of being in close proximity to Ryan at feeding time. Before anyone really knew what happened, half the cafeteria heard the beginning of a scream that was quickly muffled. When teammates realized that Sanchez had disappeared, they suspected the worst and began poking their coach with a stick, successfully interrupting his feeding.

When informed of the college stars disappearance, the coach began feeling his belly and broke down in tears as he realized what had happened. Several players began trying to perform Heimlich type maneuvers in an attempt to get Ryan to regurgitate the young prospect who represented the teams playoff hopes but were unsuccessful. Movement inside the coaches distended midsection ceased soon afterward and rescue efforts were reluctantly called off.

R I P

Mark Sanchez

Services will be planned once the remains of Sanchez have passed through Ryan's massive digestive tract. The wake will, of course be closed casket.

Sanchez's family members, when reached for comment, were too distraught to speak.

Still unclear is whether the Jets will seek to trade for a veteran quarterback now that Kellen Clemens has no competition for the starting job. Clemens lamented the loss of the QB prospect even though the word around the Jets was that Sanchez would be the starter. Clemens said "I didn't know Mark well yet but he seemed like a fine young man. Unfortunately rookies make mistakes and getting near coach when when the grub is flying is just asking for trouble. Mangini was no slouch at the 'ol feedbag but coach Ryan takes it to another level"

Ironically, a Football Fashion Fanatics correspondent was the last journalist to speak with Sanchez as he jogged from the practice field to the cafeteria. Our man in the field was informing the recently drafted player of the throwback Titan away jersey the team would be wearing against the Raiders and Dolphins this season. Sanchez was then asked to comment on the exciting uniform issues.

In what turned out to be the quarterbacks last words, he replied "Who the fuck are you and how did you get past security?"
   

P.S. Just as this article was going to press Mark Sanchez's family sent out a press release asking that in luei of flowers, anyone wishing to honor Marks memory make a donation to the fund to buy a whaling boat and a few steady Nantucket sleigh riders to put a couple of harpoons in that son of a bitch white whale Rex Ryan who ate our boy.
   

Ken